Calculators
Stank Index
Finally, hard numbers for what everybody already knows: how bad it stinks, how long until you stop noticing, and how far from the break room you should eat. None of it is real. The math is shown anyway.
Your numbers, step by step
- Heat factor: every 40°F over 60 doubles the funk1 + (70°F − 60) ÷ 40 = 1.25
- Wind factorAcross the plant = 1
- Crud factor: a week of neglect doubles it1 + 3 days ÷ 7 = 1.43
- Honey wagon factor1 + 0 trucks × 0.5 = 1
- Grease trap factorNo = 1
- Tour Effect: it always peaks when company shows up1 + 0 visitors ÷ 10 = 1
- Stank flow, in Million Gallons of Dookie (MGD)1.25 × 1 × 1.43 × 1 × 1 × 1 = 1.79 MGD
- Pounds of stank3 sniffs × 8.34 × 1.79 MGD = 44.7 lb/day
- Stank levelLevel 2: Smells Like Money
Why it works
It doesn't. But it looks exactly like the real math, which is the point. The Stank Index runs on the same pounds formula as the Davidson pie chart: something × 8.34 × flow. Here the something is sniffs and the flow is Million Gallons of Dookie, which is every bad decision of the day multiplied together.
- Heat makes everything worse. Every 40°F over 60 doubles it, which is why August smells like a sumo wrestler's jockstrap.
- Wind only ever blows toward the office when the director is in. Dead calm is worse than a crosswind because the stank just parks on top of you and gets comfortable.
- Crud grows a little every day nobody cleans the wet well. After a week it's twice as bad and has opinions.
- Septage trucks add half again each. The driver will tell you it's "mostly water." The driver is a liar.
- The Tour Effect is the best-documented phenomenon in wastewater. Nothing smells until ten people in nice shoes show up, and then everything does.
Nose-blind time works backwards: the longer you've been in, the faster your nose clocks out. A new hire gets twenty minutes of pure suffering. A twenty-year guy is fine before he's out of the truck, and has no idea why his wife makes him change in the garage.
Example: August, two honey wagons and a city council tour
It's 94°F and the wind is blowing straight at the office. Nobody has touched the wet well in 10 days because the vac truck is "coming Tuesday." Two septage trucks dumped before lunch, it's grease trap day, and the boss just walked eight council members through the headworks. The guy on screenings rates it a 7 and is breathing through his mouth.
- Heat: 1 + (94 − 60) ÷ 40 = 1.85
- Wind at the office = 2, crud: 1 + 10 ÷ 7 = 2.43
- Trucks: 1 + 2 × 0.5 = 2, grease = 1.5, Tour Effect: 1 + 8 ÷ 10 = 1.8
- Stank flow: 1.85 × 2 × 2.43 × 2 × 1.5 × 1.8 = 48.52 MGD
- 7 sniffs × 8.34 × 48.52 = 2,833 lb of stank/day
- Level 6: Holy Shit, Burn Your Clothes
For the record, a normal day at 70°F with a crosswind comes out around 45 lb/day, right in Smells Like Money territory. The tour alone took this from bad to catastrophic. Schedule tours for January.
Does the stank look reasonable?
Every plant has its own normal funk. Use these levels to back up your complaint to the supervisor, not to win it. You won't win it.
| Level | Name | lb of stank/day | What it means |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | You Eat Mexican? | 0–25 | Barely a whiff. Could be the plant, could be whoever had the burrito. |
| 2 | Smells Like Money | 25–100 | A normal Georgia summer day. Smells like job security. |
| 3 | Headworks Hug | 100–300 | It's in your hoodie now. It's not coming out. |
| 4 | Gas Station Bathroom | 300–750 | Office staff are shutting doors and giving you looks. |
| 5 | Satan's Crock-Pot | 750–2,000 | The neighbors are calling. The mayor's office is next. |
| 6 | Holy Shit, Burn Your Clothes | 2,000+ | Strip in the garage. Your dog won't make eye contact. |
Before you walk into the break room
- Boots off at the door. Whatever you stepped in at the bar screen is now on the carpet, and the office manager knows it was you.
- Check your sleeves. That's not mud. You know it's not mud.
- Wash your damn hands. Twice. Before the sandwich, not after.
- Don't microwave fish. You work at a sewer plant and that's still the worst smell in the building.
- Sniff test a buddy. You're nose-blind. He's nose-blind. Find the new guy and ask him.
Straight talk: everything above is made up and exists for morale only. Sewer gas is not. Hydrogen sulfide kills operators every year, and it shuts off your sense of smell at dangerous levels, so a smell that suddenly goes away is a reason to leave, not relax. Wear your gas monitor, follow your confined space permit, and never go into a wet well, manhole or tank without testing the air and having an attendant up top. Follow OSHA rules and your department's SOPs every time, no shortcuts.